My Heart is in My Ass

Joey's Season: Week 5

Dear Bachelor Nation,

We’re backkkkkk. So soon! Moving forward I hope whoever programs ABC will think of me and stick to one episode a week, for my sanity. For reasons mysterious even to myself, I am taking this promise to myself to recap the whole season very seriously (much more seriously than arguably more important promises to get some exercise, not look at my phone before bed, finish my taxes, etc.), so on we go!

We pick up where we left off: right before the rose ceremony with Maria crying and Lea honestly being a bitch. Madina goes out to comfort Maria who, despite wanting to leave to be done with the drama, does head back inside for the rose ceremony. Edwina and Allison do not receive roses and will not be joining the rest of the crew in Andalusia Spain. I for one will miss Edwina’s straight-shooting and athleticism!

Production lets the girlies out on the town to drink some sangria in the sun and Maria makes a toast to “a new location and all you beautiful women.” Meanwhile, Lea is “literally pained” that Maria is still here. Joey pulls up on a vespa to pick up Kelsey A. and her beautiful hair up for a date and ruin everyone else’s day. Rachel and Kelsey T. (in Burgundy Selena outfit) both cry!

They take the vespa out to pick up ingredients for a picnic (jamon y tomate), then stop to play some pick up futbol. Thankfully Kelsey wore her Sambas! A cute Spanish couple asks them if they’re married and they say “not yet” to which the couple replies, that they will be in time. I hope so, she’s my winner pick!

At dinner that night in a 13th century bathhouse (but where did the food come from), Joey toasts to Kelsey’s green eyes and feeling butterflies. Does everyone on this show have green eyes? I feel like they’re being brought up constantly! Kelsey wants to open up about her family because they are so important to her, and tells Joey she lost her mom to breast cancer, within a matter of months, 10 years ago. She is having a hard time knowing that this ends in an engagement and reconciling that her mom won’t be around for that. She also says that she believes in signs and always thinks of her mom when she sees butterflies. Joey tells her that based on how she describes her mom he knows she would be proud of her, saying he came to find someone “compassionate, kind, empathetic, understanding, and loving, and that it oozes out of you”. He offers her a hug and and a rose.

In their ITM’s Joey says he’s smitten and Kelsey says she might be starting to fall for Joey. It should also be noted that Kelsey has young Julia Roberts hair and smile vibes. Also, Kelsey is wearing very low heels and is about the same height as Joey, noted smedium king. It begs the question, did production give everyone a heads up about this, or do the taller girlies just know? Sound off in the comments.

At the hotel, the group date card arrives and Jenn gives The Most Dramatic Date Card Reading Ever, sooooo slowly revealing who is on the group date and more importantly who is not, ie, who is getting a 1-on-1. Everyone wants it, Rachel gets it! The group date is at a villa in Marbella where a Spanish artist tells them to write a quote in a notebook about how they feel about their life with Joey, and then interpret that in a painting. Lea just keeps talking about how much she wishes Maria wasn’t there (“a girl can only take so much!”) and how she may be bold but she’s not creative whereas she (Lea) is “a woman of all the talents”. Self-proclaimed :/

Everyone gives it the old college try with mixed results. Joey is made to guess what the meaning behind the paintings is and really has fun with it. He describes one as a skittles rainbow, is totally stumped by one but goes with “a harp” and says one abstract piece is giving him elephant. If you’re wondering what the general skill level is, this is the winning painting:

Lea can’t believe that Jess’ engagement rings edged out her flowering hibiscus and budding roses on a rainbow gradient background which she was able to achieve with “very limited art materials.” “She will never end up with him, but one can be delusional” she says about her friend. Jess’ prize is some extra time with Joey where they put on white bathing suits and then roll around in a bunch of paint to “make their first piece of art together as a couple.”

At the cocktail party that evening Maria reveals that she was in a really bad car accident with her mom when she was about a year old. A cement truck fell on her mom’s car, breaking almost every bone in her mom’s body and shattering her car seat. Maria was pronounced dead at the scene and is basically a medical miracle, as well as a sprinkles heiress. Her mom understandably went through a deep depression and wasn’t able to be the mom she wanted to be, or be present at all for most of Maria’s childhood. Maria says her dad took his vows seriously and continues to stand by her, in sickness and in health, and that her relationship with her mom is a work in progress but has gotten much better. Maria also explains that she thinks the reason she doesn’t dwell on stupid fights and always tries to be positive is that she knows how quickly things can change up on you.

Joey appreciates Maria’s openness and feels he has a better understanding of her perspective on life and offers her the group date rose, causing Lea to fully melt down. “My heart is in my ass” she says, and lol! She thinks Maria is putting on a performance when she’s with Joey and I hope she feels badly watching this episode, but I kind of doubt it.

The last date of the week is Rachel and Joey’s 1-on-1 and they are going flamenco dancing! Rachel has always wanted to go on a date in Spain, presumably for some reason? It kind of seems like she’s spent time in Spain before and has decent Spanish but they simply refuse to tell us. Rachel and Joey go to watch a flamenco show and then the lead lady shouts “Hey Joe! How’s it going?” and gives him and Rachel some fancy flamenco shoes which have nice heels which help with the noise-making and Joey correctly points out that they look very silly with his shorts but is a goo sport about it. As Rachel says: it’s giving.

Joey and Rachel take some lessons and then perform in the flamenco show with their new friends. It's cute! I wonder what the people watching think is happening. That evening they go to “dinner” (no eating of course) and Rachel, a self-described slow burn, wants to open up more to Joey. She tells him that she moved to Maine from Hawaii (ouch) to pursue nursing, and that being an ICU nurse is a tough job where she sees a lot and takes on a lot of emotion from people who are hurting. She has dated guys in the past who had a tough time with her being a nurse and she wants to make sure he’s up for that. He gives her the rose, saying that he is all in on the slow burn and there anytime she feels ready to open up. Then they take a walk along the coast and kiss under fireworks.

The next day, Joey and Jesse are playing tennis yet again (Joey’s got to be Jesse’s favorite lead so far, right?) and we get some b-roll of most of the women looking wistful and concerned in formal wear cause there’s a rose ceremony tonight. Lea, however, is brimming with confidence: “Everyone needs to come correct, know how to dress. And I do. Peep the nails, peep the dress, peep the hair, peep the earrings.” A helpful reminder to me that she is 23 years old. Surely Lea doesn’t care what an old like me thinks but I rank her lewk somewhere in the bottom third of the group.

Everyone is wanting a chance to talk to Joey and Maria politely interrupts Katelyn’s chat, apologizing as she does so. Katelyn says it’s fine and have fun babe, but does tell the group “Maria stole him!” on her return. Jess thinks “it’s giving disrespect on a bleeping sides.” Kelsey A is like, um, it’s not weird to want to talk to him even if you have a rose and Katelyn says she was very sweet but Jess will not be soothed, all teary and saying she has been disrespected and lost time because of Maria before. Autumn and Lexi in their ITMs are like, um… she’s jealous of Maria, and it’s nice to see more girlies taking up for her!

When Maria comes back Jess is all “pretty early convo for someone with a rose” and Maria is all “Yep! Jess, is there a problem that I spoke to Joey right now?” and Jess calls her disrespectful and Maria asks “in what way” and Jess doesn’t respond so Maria says “right, I thought so, so moving on…” and things devolve and incidents which I don’t think we are privy to are referenced and it all ends in Maria saying “grow up” and Jess shouting “You need to grow the (bleep) up bitch!” as she storms off to sob and be comforted by Lea. A helpful reminder to me that Jess is 24. And if she was wondering, I do rank her dress last.

Despite how "SCARED” she is that she won’t get a rose which would 100% be Maria’s fault (Lea, maybe you need to shoot your girl straight, her delusions could be damaging!) Jess does receive the final rose of the evening, and Madina and Autumn are sent home.

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Sydney