Tomato Tomato Tomato!

Joey's Season: week 2

Dear Bachelor Nation,

If this is how long it takes me to get this together, perhaps we start thinking of this less as a recap and more as a nice reminder before tonights episode…

Anyway, how about these cold opens, huh? Joey goes out to check on Lauren (aka Allison’s older sister) but Lauren “doesn’t even want to talk to him now cause she’s in a bad mood to do it cause everyone and their mother already went.” Joey’s sincere apology is interrupted by a cake, which is supposed to be red velvet, and which Lauren no longer cares about. Joey says goodbye and Lauren digs into the cake, first with the plastic fork provided, then with her hands, and then throws the whole thing to the ground announcing “It’s not Red Velvet.” Damn, tough break. Cue the opening credits!

Jumping back in time to a sunny morning a few days prior, Joey is coaching host Jesse Palmer on his tennis swing as they chat about his hopes for finding his wife while the ladies move in to the mansion abiding by a strict “high waisted jeans and a neutral color crop top” uniform. Jesse drops by with a date card: “Here come the brides!” it reads, and instructs them to head to the other room to pick out a wedding dress. In the melee, Rachel pulls an entire rack of dresses down on top of herself, which you’d think would be the physical comedy high-water mark for this particular date, but don't go giving out any awards just yet.

Once dressed, everyone piles into a couple of cars festooned with tin cans and “almost married” banners and they head to the wedding reception. They are recording some fake home-video Bride-cam footage when Lauren reveals that her dad recently passed away. She is feeling the heavy reality that he will not be at her wedding, and is not sure how she’s going to get through this date.

Once they arrive at the wedding venue, the premise becomes clear: This is a polygamous wedding reception for Joey and his 9 wives. Pretty scandalous for ABC, but okay! It’s fairly freeform: the brides can all take some time with Joey to do traditional wedding reception activities like cutting cake, taking photos, and mingling with the strangers invited by production. The top bride will receive a prize in the form of a very special dance with Joey. There's just one thing we’ll all do together first: musical chairs! Joey takes a center seat at the 10-seated sweethearts table, and the brides all promenade around, hoping to get one of the seats next to him. When the music stops, Evalin launches herself OVER the table in trying to snag a seat, in what is surely the finest display of simultaneous athleticism and flop ever seen on the show.

The crazy thing is, she doesn't even get that chair! Lauren was right next to it and just scooted her butt in. Evalin had to sit on the end! But, safe to say she made an impression.

This date is absurd, but it’s actually a nice chance for us (and hopefully for Joey) to get to know the women a bit. At the dessert table, we learn that Maria’s father makes sprinkles, professionally. That’s right, she’s a Canadian sprinkles heiress, THAT’s the x-factor. Erika licks frosting off Joey’s nose, and Rachel gives a pretty decent toast. Jess gets a kiss in front of everyone when some guests do the clinky-glass thing, and Taylor shouts “Tomato, tomato, tomato!” which is how I will hereafter react to anything I don’t like.

Everyone gets time with Joey except for Lauren who doesn’t even want to hang out with Joey because she is “salty”. But I think what she really means is “grieving the recent loss of a beloved parent”?

Ultimately Rachel wins the special dance with her toast, and also, what makes the dance special is revealed, and that is that the song that the dance will be danced to will be performed by "legendary musical performer” Michael Bolton. I have had Jack Sparrow stuck in my head all week, but sadly he decided to pander to the audience and do “When a Man Loves a Woman”. Tomato, tomato, tomato!

At the afterparty that evening, Jess and Lauren get vulnerable. Lauren explains about her father passing (finally) and Jess tells Joey she’s lost herself in a past relationship or something? She’s crying but I’ve watched it twice now and I’m still not sure exactly what’s going on. Sprinkle heiress Maria decides to take a different tact and pulls Joey to the side only to leave to “slip into something more comfortable.” I thought for sure she was coming back in a Snuggie, but alas, it’s a bra top and nude-illusion lace skirt. “I promise I’m not trying to seduce you” sprinkles says, but I feel like that’s actually not the truth. The non-seduction ploy ultimately fails to get the rose, which goes to Jess who I must say is wearing another dress that I dislike very much.

The next date card is for Daisy and Daisy alone: It’s a 1-on-1 baby! Daisy, like reality tv hotties Abigail (The Bachelor) and Tasha (Love Island UK) before her, has a cochlear implant, and she is nervous to tell Joey about it, but she is nevertheless excited to go on this date! He picks her up in a helicopter and takes her to the Beachlife Festival… grounds? Respectfully I do not think this is the Beachlife Festival because that takes place in May and has headliners like The Black Keys and Gwen Stefani (eclectic!) and this was probably filmed last fall and appears to be sparsely attended. They get drinks, buy matching sweatshirts (which we for some reason never get to see), and then head to the stage to watch Bahamas. Is Bahamas a man? Is Bahamas a band? I may never know, but Daisy is excited about him/them.

Daisy and Joey slow dance on stage, which is of course a nightmare, but which they seem to enjoy.

That evening, they go to a rooftop somewhere for dinner, and Joey asks more about the non-profit Daisy started to help kids who are different accept their differences as strengths. She explains that she started to have seizures and stroke-like symptoms at the age of 11, and would get way sicker than her brothers and sisters. Doctors were stumped, and she would go through periods of good health but always get sick again. One morning when she was 17 she woke up unable to hear normally, and her hearing continued to deteriorate. She just got sicker and sadder and had to move back in with her parents in her 20s, at that point barely able to walk. Finally, she was diagnosed with Lyme, and went to a pretty intense sounding 30 day treatment in Germany where she was able to regain her health but not her hearing.

I feel like this is pretty maj that we’re talking about how debilitating and wide-ranging Lyme can be on The Bachelor! And I also feel like I learned a lot about cochlear implants! Daisy asked if Joey wants to see hers and explains that it “electrically stimulates my auditory nerve and sends signals to my brain” and that she is still getting used to it. She can't tell Joey’s voice from other peoples, so it’s really important that she can see him when he speaks. She also says that some people can’t hear anything when they first turn their implants on, and that she could hear words, but everyone sounded like chipmunks! Joey is so engaged and just generally behaving like a kind, chill, curious human. He says she is even “more interesting, more impressive” and that her cochlear implant “is beautiful” and of course he gives her the rose.

After the fairly serious tone of the 1-on-1 date, we’re owed something that is just plain dumb, so the second group date is Bachelor Bootcamp hosted by Jubilee and Demi and “a good old fashioned paint battle” which is not a thing? It’s like capture the flag meets paintball but the flag is a giant fuzzy heart and the paint means absolutely nothing.

This isn’t worth a play-by-play, but the blue team emerges victorious and Edwina is the MVP, winning her some alone time with Joey (in his hotel room maybe?) She states her intention to be vulnerable, which does not come easily to her, and explains that she is from a Liberian family, and that being the eldest female child comes with a lot of pressures; to take care of the house, and the younger children, and to always succeed in everything she does because she has her siblings and cousins looking up to her.

Joeys gift, as a lead in this franchise and also probably as a civilian in the world, is when he says things like “I appreciate you sharing that with me” he seems completely sincere. This is such a relief for us as viewers and presumably also for the women sharing the personal and painful parts of themselves to get a rose. Edwina does indeed get the rose, and says she think Joey is gonna be her husband, which I unfortunately must push back on.

Back at the manse, the other women from the bootcamp/paint war/heart retrieval mission are disappointed that they didn’t get any extra time with Joey. Madina announces she is 31 and “doesn’t have time to waste” which is… one woman’s opinion. For context, the cast this season ranges in age from 23-31, Joey himself is 28.

I too wish Medina did not say that out loud now, because it kicks off some profoundly stupid drama spearheaded by none other than SYDNEY.

Once this larger disappointment session breaks off into small discussion groups, Maria (sprinkles heiress, 29) says some terrible things about Madina like “should I feel bad that I’m old?”,”I think it’s hot!” and “If Madina does feel insecure about her age, I feel for her!” Sydney (vintage store owner, 28) , sitting on a terrace somewhere, hears the words “Medina” and “old” and decides Maria is talking shit and belittling Medina’s feelings. She, of course, tells Medina who is, of course, upset. Meanwhile all the 23 year olds are having a nice time and getting along. Embarrassing OLDS! And also, Sydney? I was expecting better vintage than this.

Word trickles back to Maria the next day, and she apologizes, very poorly, to Madina at the cocktail party that evening. She also confronts the group to ask who told Madina and why they hadn’t come to her directly. She actually explains herself much better here, essentially getting across her original point that age ain’t nothing but a number (number, number), and that Madina is hot and cool, but she feels bad if her age is an insecurity for her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. But Sydney remains unmoved and is resentful she was “drawn in” to the drama.

Also at the cocktail party, Lauren quits the show telling her sister Allison “I hate it here” on her way out (see paragraph one), and Lexi presents Joey with a masterpiece she has been using her Masters in Fine Arts to craft over the last several days:

That fish in the upper right corner aspires to be a dolphin, btw.

At the rose ceremony, tension builds. Who will get a rose, Maria, or Sydney? Both of course, how else will we get a 2-on-1 this season! And Sydney? This is cooler vintage! Feel free to pair it with a cooler attitude and stop embarrassing us!

Ultimately Erika, Taylor, and Marlena do not receive roses and must leave the mansion to seek love, untelevised, in the wilds of Los Angeles.

Anyone interested in seeing the exact moment Erika lost that rose?

Okay, with that, I’m signing off!

Being 35 and all, I don’t have time to waste.