I'm Not Sorry, Hoes
Clayton Week 5 Recap
Dear Bachelor Nation,
It’s come to my attention that I missed a recap last week! My deepest apologies, I thought the whole episode was an extended commercial for the Hyundai IONIQ5, which as far as I can tell is a car that runs on grilled shrimp?1 If you missed it too, here are the beats:
Shanae and Elizabeth and Clayton sit down to hash it out. Shanae says Elizabeth looks like Cruella DeVil but actually she is wearing an exact repro of Ursula the Sea-witch’s dress. They fight about shrimp and hot tubs and Clayton looks befuddled, unimpressed, annoyed. Even though Shanae is a sociopath (or perhaps because she is) she emerges triumphant.
I guess there was probably a rose ceremony here and some people went home besides Elizabeth, but I’ll be damned if I remember who!
Clayton and Rachel have a 1-on-1 date and go horseback riding until they “stumble upon” a group of “strangers” having a “BBQ” in their “backyard.” They join them and it’s fine and I just wonder why they had to pretend that this wasn't all planned. Then they sit on a pier and whisper to each other. Clayton asks Rachel’s last name so he must really like her. We are subjected to a concert from a band called “Restless Road.”
The group date is hosted by a couple of Houston Texans at NRG stadium and is a legitimate tackle football game. Marlena (former Olympian) gets the W for her team which earns them extra time with Clayton that evening. Shanae crashes the date and throws their trophy in the pool.
At some point Shanae said “I’m gonna shove that rose all the way up his ass. It’d come out of his mouth”, which feels like a lot for ABC!
Okay, now that we're all caught up, on to week 5, and with haste! These Olympics aren’t going to watch themselves and even if Kamila Valieva has soured the mood I still want to watch women’s short program at 2.
This episode begins with a 1-on-1 date between Clayton and Serene. They are in Galveston and they have Pleasure Pier amusement park all to themselves. If you like amusement parks this seems like a pretty fun date and luckily Serene loves amusement parks. They go on a crazy roller coaster, the teacups, the sea dragon, and the giant swings. Clayton reveals that he used to work at the Six Flags fudge factory and so we are brothers in former amusement park employee arms (I worked in the rides department at Seabreeze. Would u rather: cut fudge or watch spinning teacups for an entire shift?). They parlay this into a kinky role play where Clayton pretends to work at the ice cream shop and makes a cone for Serene. They both seem happy and like they’re having fun. I ship! I Stan!
They share a kiss at sunset which I believe is THEE backlit promo kiss we have been watching all season, and then we are off to the dinner and trauma portion of the evening. Serene has lost both her Grandma and her cousin in recent years, and is still very much dealing with those losses. It is the sort of thing that of course you would want to share with someone you were getting to know in that way, but it never stops feeling weird watching these personal revelations out of context and edited down. She shares a memory of being on a farm in Oklahoma with her cousin when they were little girls and seeing all the fireflies and saying “lets squish them on our faces so we can glow!” which is equal parts adorable and deranged. The thing I like about Clayton is, he says the same Bachelor lines as everyone else (thank you for sharing that, I appreciate you opening up, etc), but actually I feel like he means it. Maybe it’s his kind eyes, as Serene pointed out. Obviously she receives a rose and they make out on the balcony for a while.
The next night is the cocktail party/Rose Ceremony and Clayton suddenly wants to talk about Shanae crashing the winners party from last week’s episode. The winners present a united front, telling him exactly what happened, although, to be honest, I don’t remember a pond. They keep saying she threw the trophy in the pond but it looked more like a little tangle of bushes from where I was sitting. Regardless, Clayton is appropriately perturbed by the hurling of trophies and expletives and pulls Shanae to discuss her actions. He asks if she is sorry for her behavior and she says she is and wants to apologize. She goes out and gives the women a tearful apology, which Sierra, Marlena, and Susie accept right away. I’m thinking, “zuh?” but as Susie says “Everyone deserves the opportunity to do right by their actions and tonight she did right by her actions. I’d rather give her the opportunity to grow or to prove who she is, whichever way that goes” which is probably a good attitude to have.
Unfortunately Shanae IS proving who she is, in her ITM’s, immediately. She says that apology was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do, apologizing to people “she wasn’t sorry for,” then says she’s a better actress than Meryl Streep (blasphemy), and demands a sweep of all the major acting awards; which is all intercut with her making out with Clayton. At the rose ceremony, suspense builds and Shanae is feeling the heat: “I’m sweating, my vagina is sweating, my armpits are sweating”2. But in the end she gets the final rose of the evening, leaving Sierra, Jill, and Lyndsay W without a rose and going home.
Sierra gives Clayton some parting advice to pick a woman for the man he’s going to become, and to not be stupid, which gets a laugh out of everyone. And I’d like to shout out Rachel and Jill, for the reminder that romantic love is but a sliver of all the love that is available to us. Even if Clayton ends up alone let us not say no new relationships were formed here this season.
Ready to leave the drama behind (as IF!) Clayton announces they are taking an international trip to, drumroll please, Toronto Canada, a famously great place to fall in love. They do the obligatory shots of the women loving the city and the hotel, and someone points out how nice the fall foil-age is. The first date card arrives and it’s a 1-on-1 for Gabby! Clayton and Gabby take a helicopter ride because “you have to see Toronto from above”, then walk around doing various activities like playing street hockey, eating beaver tails (fried dough) and “tagging” a strange prop wall poorly. The most charming part is when Gabby lays down on the sidewalk to cuddle with what appears to be a non-union dog, which I think many of us can relate to.
The mood of the day date is goofy and light, as we have seen consistently from Gabby, but she is about to reveal another side at dinner. Gabby is a therapy queen! She explains to Clayton that she has held back in previous relationships because she hasn’t felt worthy of love, and that her mom weaponized her affection by withholding it. Clayton asks if she has a relationship with her mom now and she says she doesn’t, and it’s hard because she misses her and loves her but she needs to focus on herself right now. She explains “She did the best with what she was given and unfortunately it effected me, but it’s not anyone’s fault.” Spoken like someone who is truly doing the work! I feel this actually IS very pertinent information to their relationship, and of course Clayton gladly exchanges it for a rose.
When the group date card arrives, 2 names are conspicuously absent: Genevieve and Shanae. And we all know what that means!
Those lucky enough to be on the group date this week meet Russell Peters who is apparently a Canadian national treasure of standup, and who tells them they will be doing a roast of Clayton and each other. The women work on writing their jokes and consulting with Russell, then a small socially distanced audience is brought in to watch the show. Marlena kicks off the roast and opens with an incest joke. Risky gambit! But she does great because Marlena is great at everything. Jesse Palmer looks shocked by each and every joke, he may be a delicate soul! There are a lot of harsh digs at Shanae (who is not there to defend herself, not that I care), but otherwise it’s generally good spirited. The exception is Mara and Sarah who exchange ageist attacks (some funny, some not so much) in what we can assume is a foreshadowing of drama to come.
At the evening after party Susie does a cute bit where she sets up another stage and mic but instead of more roasting tells Clayton what she likes about him. He has good conversation with Sarah, and gives Marlena props for another excellent performance, but in the end the rose goes to Rachel, who we saw tell not one single joke. I think it’s pretty clear she is one of the 3 women Clayton is in love with.
We are left on a cliffhanger, the start of Genevieve and Shanae’s 2-on-1 date at Niagara Falls. I can hardly wait to find out what happens tonight. And maybe also why Shanae keeps calling Genevieve a wet Chihuahua?
Give me the Oscar, give me the Emmy, give me the Golden Globe, and give me the [beep] rose,
Sydney
But really, I’ve been busy watching the Olympics. Are you guys watching the Olympics? They’re the best! Inspiring! And sometimes someone does an interpretive ice dance to Random Access Memories era Daft Punk.
Yes it looked it up, and no, vaginas themselves do not sweat.